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Come What May....

Monday, March 28, 2011

10:53AM - I changed my mind

Actually...I think I will make another post. Just an update on how my life is going.

I still live with my mother, but I really enjoy it. She no longer goes out and drinks all the time and brings strange guys home and has a new boyfriend every other week. It's very nice. I really like my mommy this way.

I'm still with Jamie even though we only see each other about once a year. We have so little in common but we get along so well. Maybe that's the key, opposites attract. I don't know, it's just amazing that we've been in this long distance relationship for 5 years now. We've has some problems, but nothing we haven't been able to talk out. That's something I've learned from the past, talking about feelings is VERY important. I used to just calm up and be so scared to say anything, but now..with Jamie, I say what's on my mind. Communication is so important!

Last year I lost my job. They had been getting rid of people for months, just couldn't afford to keep them. It's a small business. Then they had to let two more people go..unfortunately it was me and my friend Beverlee. Neither of us have found jobs since. I've been looking online and called temp agencies but there is just nothing. Everyone wants college degrees. I've been thinking of taking some online courses but those cost money I just don't have.

Jamie is finally finishing his high school. He's been going to school everyday for a few hours. I'm so glad..it was impossible for him to find a job without his high school diploma. He's hoping once he's done with school he can get a good enough job to get his own place. If he gets his own place and makes enough money, the Canadian Government will let me move there with him. The way things are now, they would never let me stay. I wish we could get married, but I don't want to the way things are now.

I've been sick a lot more lately. The beginning of 2010 my ovary started bothering me again, real bad. I was bleeding a lot and missed some work because I got so dizzy during my periods. I had really wanted to have another operation to get that ovary removed but my doctor told me I was too young and she wouldn't remove it unless it was a life or death thing. So she suggested I get a monthly shot that stops the menstrual cycle and keeps the cysts from growing, they would actually shrink and some would go away without the blood from my period to feed them. So I did that. The shots seemed to have worked because I'm no longer in pain. So hopefully that will continue and I wont have to have another surgery someday. But, I have a lot of other health problems. I have IBS which is very painful. I've tried many different things to make it better and nothing has helped. About once a week it flares up and I'm in pain and live in the bathroom. I'm also nauseous every day and weak and dizzy. Eating makes me feel sick. I had been exercising, I have a bike and I had been doing aerobics and taking walks, but it's very hard to do those things when you feel like crap all the time. I've gained a lot of weight. My doctor told me to drink more water but that's hard to do because of my bladder problem. I pee about twice an hour. I'm just so miserable health wise.

I guess that's about it. Please..if you have Facebook, find me. I'm on there everyday. And if you don't, e-mail me. I don't remember a lot of you but I would like to be friends again. :-)

Sunday, March 27, 2011

9:13PM - It's been a long time

Just thought I'd post something and see how many of my old friends are still around. Please don't expect me to make another post after this, I hate livejournal..too many memories. If you wish to talk to me..I'm on facebook. You can find me under Marie McMurrain. Or you can e-mail me. Wyntersolstice@hotmail.com

Friday, September 29, 2006

11:30AM - Canada

Alright...I'm going to Canada on October 11th and coming back on the 25th. I'm thinking this will be very good for me emotionaly. Jamie will help me forget. I need to get over my past and move on. Dunno why I'm posting this here..I guess for Nathan since he's really the only one who reads this that I don't talk to online or on the phone. So...that's where I will be in case you're wondering.

Friday, July 7, 2006

1:22PM - Maybe it's the back pain talking....

Still no internet on my computer. Took today off work...my back is killing me. Oh

I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should just stay gone for a while..even when I get the internet back. I no longer really get any joy from Gaia except collecting edits. Even on yahoo...I just don't feel like talking to anyone. This is a horrible thing to say...but I'm tired of seeing people so happy when I cry almost every night. Had a good break down late last night when I woke up from the back pain. I am alone and I'm tired of it. I am so tempted to just say fuck it and move to Canada. Crying because you hurt so bad and there is no one to hold you and tell you it's ok. I have tasted how love can be and I want it back. Being married for 7 years got my mind in a certain bliss..knowing I'll never be alone and my husband will be beside me no matter what. Foolish thoughts...yet how I miss them.

A year and no progress..in fact...I seem to be getting worse. Almost cried at work a few days ago thinking that when I get home..there is no one there waiting for me. Looking back...I'm more miserable now then I was back then. I miss Wade..I miss him so much...but I can not talk to him...the pain is still an open wound that bleeds often. Trying to move on is hard to do when I still dream about him every night. I dream more about him then Jamie. What does that mean? I love Jamie with all my heart but I have never tasted his lips or seen his eyes gaze into mine. It's like he isn't real. It's like....nothing is real anymore. I dunno...life just doesn't seem worth living anymore. There is no reason. I'm not going to kill myself..I'm too chicken shit. I suppose I can ony hope things will some how get better.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

11:18AM

Almost a year now and it still hurts. Certain songs bring it all back. I have Jamie now, it shouldn't hurt so much anymore. I just miss so much. I still dream about Wade all the time. I wish these memories would just leave me. I want to talk to him but it just hurts so much I can't. I'm so lonely. Damn these songs bringing up emotions.

Current mood: numb

Sunday, May 14, 2006

1:48PM - Memories

I have created a journal for me to store all my memories. I will try to remember everything I can about my life in the hopes that I will learn more about myself. If you wish to read this journal here is the link. Feel free to friend it and comment if you so wish. There is only an intro at the moment.

http://silken-memories.livejournal.com/

Thursday, April 13, 2006

1:20AM - Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to me
I live in the sea
Ok..No...not realy
Happy Birthday to me

Friday, March 3, 2006

10:20AM - Cute Human Virus Scanner

http://totl.net/VirusScanner/?


My results

Viruses you suffer from:

TotL
Go read Brunching

Junkfood
Eat some real food. Something which you can identify the source of every ingredient, not the point of manufacture.

Politics
Stop caring!

Environmentalism
Consume more stuff! It's easier to buy new stuff than to recycle.

Prog Rock
Long hair looks dumb with a bald spot. Listen to CD's they don't crackle.

Viruses you might suffer from:

Pokemon (60%)
Pikachu! Use your hyper-electric-get-a-life move now!

Linux (80%)
Install the latest version of Microsoft Windows. Learn to love it.

USA (70%)
Rule, Britannia! Britannia rule the waves! [repeat]

Sci-fi (80%)
Stop wearing the stick-on ears.

Religion (60%)
Read "God's Debris" by Scott Adams (yes, the Dilbert guy)

British (85%)
No need for cure. Benign virus.

Japan (60%)
Big is good. Small is bad. Giant robots would not make a good last line of defence for Earth.

Free BSD (90%)
The GPL isn't that bad really. Adopt a penguin at the zoo.

Brand Names (75%)
Having a well-known name doesn't make it good.

Computer Games (60%)
Stop staring at the screen and get some fresh air. You should see a doctor about the RSI in your thumbs.

Conspiracy Theory (85%)
Face it, the elected government is in control. Actually that's quite scary.

Hippyism (80%)
Free love is passe and potentially dangerous, and patchouli smells like cat piss.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

4:38PM - Good Bye Don Knotts

Don Knotts died today. I used to love him when I was a child. I will never forget him.

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory?id=1662833

Monday, February 20, 2006

11:21AM - Stolen from sultaness

Dragon
A Dragon rider is rare and a great honor, Dragons

never mettle in the affairs of man unless a

hero comes forth worthy of the Dragons power.

To be chosen as a Dragon rider means that you

are one of the wisest and mature people

alive. That you know the difference between

what is right and wrong and can make a choice

in a second on which side you want to stand

on. The Dragon rider is legendary for its

power and a single rider has been known to

change the outcome of a battle with a single

attack. You are a worthy warrior and would

have been honored as hero in the war.


What Mythical beast would stand by your side in battle?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thursday, February 16, 2006

2:03AM - Stolen from kbane13

A few of my names

<td align="center"> NightSymphony --
[noun]:

A person of questionable sanity who starts their own cult

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>



<td align="center"> WynterSolstice --
[adjective]:

Pretentiously academian

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>


<td align="center"> Marie --
[noun]:

A person who has the ability to be invisible

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

1:31AM - Recent Tarot Card Reading

1. Present Position
The Lovers - Intensity in a relationship

2. Immediate Influence
Queen of Wands - A woman of leadership

3. Goal or Destiny
Eight of Cups - Looking for something on a much deeper level

4. Distant Past
Six of Swords - Moving on from a negative situation

5. Recent Past
Page of Cups - New social contacts

6. Future Influence
Judgment - Immense Pressure

7. The Questioner
Page of Coins - Wanting to change your line of work

8. Environment
Five of Wands - Challenge to others

9. Inner Emotions
Four of Cups - Reaching out for new friendships

10. Final Result
The Wheel of Fortune - Abundance, Faith, opportunity

Current mood: amused

1:08AM - Life Update

There was a time when I gave a shit what this world and what people thought about me. Not anymore. I AM ME AND I AM HAPPY TO BE ME SO FUCK YOU!! You may not like me...you may not agree with the things I do....I don't care.

So...I am totally in love with a guy who lives in Canada. We've been talking since Wade and I split up and it just magically happend one day. He calls me all the time and we talk for hours. He understands me. I tell him EVERYTHING!! One problem..he lives in Ottawa. Why the fuck does he have to live in Canada? Shit...nothing ever goes right for me. He had a job..as a Smith. That's right..he makes swords and armor. But his boss closed down the forge..it's been...6 months now or something like that. So poor Jamie has no money at all. Today was the last day he's going to wait. If he doesn't hear something from his boss by the end of tomorrow he'd looking for a new job. Which totally sucks ass because he would be making so much money at the forge. Dude wants to pay my medical bills and help me pay to see a doctor about all my health problems. Sounds too good to be true. Men make all kinds of promises..only...I think Jamie really would help me if he had the cash. I'm kinda annoyed that he's waited 6 months for this guy...but..whatever...it was his choice.

Now there is me. I haven't done shit since I've been here. I never leave the house and I like it that way. Amazingly enough..I'm losing weight. I exercise...this is a big thing for me. I actually cook every night and keep the house clean. Hell..I have nothing else to do. I do so enjoy not having a job....but..it can't last forever. My Grandma and Aunt in Germany are sending me money every month. I give it to my mother to pay bills with with. I have a feeling even if I had a job they'd send me money. Talking about going to Germany this year. Don't really wanna go anymore. Back when Wade and I were together I wanted to show him everything. I really wish we could have gone. I wish a lot of things...but wishing gets you nothing.

So anyway..for the most part...I'm happy. I have my moments where I cry like a baby because I'm sick of being alone...but that goes away when Jamie calls and I'm happy again. There's my update..it's about damn time I write this..been meaning to...I just hate typing in this thing.

Current mood: contemplative

Thursday, February 2, 2006

1:33AM - Stolen from kbane13

Two for Two

Body: Two Names You Go By
1. Marie
2. Raven

Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. 50% German
2. 50% who the hell knows

Two Things That Scare You
1. Pain
2. Being alone

Two of Your Everyday Routines
1. Computer
2. Watching TV

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. Underwear
2. Socks

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment)
1. The Tea Party
2. The Killers

Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love)
1. Trust
2. Understanding

Two Truths
1. The sky is blue
2. I love my cat

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You About the Opposite Sex.
1. Clear eyes
2. Long hair

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Video Games
2. Creating things on Photoshop

Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. To not be sick all the time
2. My love at my side

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Canada
2. Germany

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. Be comfortable in my own skin
2. Have my poetry published

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now
1. I wonder if he really went to bed
2. I should be sleeping

Two Stores You Shop At
1. Wal-Mart
2. Fashion Bug

Two people you haven't talked to in a while
1. Dad
2. Grandma

Two favorite web sites
1. Gaia Online
2. Photobucket

Two cars you owned
1. N/A
2. N/A

Two People who will fill this out
1. someone who is bored
2. someone who loves taking these things

Current mood: sleepy

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

4:20PM - stolen from .... I forgot :-P


Admired for your style and fresh approach to life, you are the Japanese femme fatale! Deceivingly innocent, you are actually a devil in disguise. You love to show off, but behind that flamboyant and sometimes uncaring personality, you definately care for and stand up for your friends. Just one flaw, you can be annoyingly hyper and bouncy!! However this can be just what a friend needs after a boring day.
Which Soul Calibur character are you?
this quiz was made by david park

Sunday, January 22, 2006

3:24AM

It feels good be loved again. It feels good to be told you are loved...even if it is just over the phone.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

10:54AM - Stolen from sultaness

Nothing much to say..so..I'll just let you all know I'm still alive.

A – Accent: I don't really have one..at least not that I can tell or have been told.

B - Breakfast Item: today it was strawberry oatmeal..yummy yummy

C - Chore you hate: Dishes and Laundry

D - Dad's Name: Patrick Wayne Smith

E - Essential everyday item: my cat and my computer

F - Flavour ice cream: Cookies and Cream or Mint Chocolate Chip

G - Gold or Silver?: Silver.

H - Hometown: Born in Temple TX..but I grew up in Reno NV

I - Insomnia: often

J - Job Title: Domestic Goddess

K - Kids: None,thank God

L - Living arrangements: I live with my mother

M - Mom's birthplace: Karlsrue Germany

N - Number of significant others you've ever had: 1 Husband...2 boyfriends

O - Overnight hospital stays: umm...2 that I actually remember

P - Phobia: Spiders..I really hate spiders

Q - Queer?: Nope..but I'd rather look at a woman naked then a man..dunno why.

R - Religious Affiliation: I believe there is a God...that's about it

S - Siblings: One brother that I have adopted

T - Time you wake up: Whenever I feel like it

U - Unnatural hair colours you've worn: Purple

V - Vegetable you refuse to eat: Freshwater Chestnuts

W - Worst habit: Very lazy

X - X-rays you've had: I've had a few

Y - Yummy: anything with chocolate or fruit

Z - Zodiac sign: Aries....but you wouldn't know it

Current mood: cheerful

Saturday, January 14, 2006

12:33PM - A really old Irish Poem - for Nathan

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there... I do not sleep.
I am the thousand winds that blow...
I am the diamond glints on snow...
I am the sunlight on ripened grain...
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you waken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of gentle birds in circling flight...
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry—
I am not there... I did not die...

Current mood: depressed

Thursday, January 12, 2006

11:25AM - it's quiz time



I am a d12


Take the quiz at dicepool.com



You are the rare, the overlooked, yet incredibly useful dodecahedron: the d12. You are a creative, romantic soul. You often act without thinking, but make up for your lack of plans with plenty of heart. You easily solve problems that stump others, but your answers tend to put you into even deeper trouble. You write long, detailed backgrounds for all your characters, and are most likely to dress up as one or get involved in cos-play. You can be silly at times and are easily distracted by your own day dreams, but are at the end of the day you're someone who can be depended on.


Your Hair Should Be Red

Passionate, fiery, and sassy.
You're a total smart aleck who's got the biggest personality around.
What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?


You Are 40% Boyish and 60% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.
How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Saturday, January 7, 2006

9:01PM - ...

I didn't realize until just now. Maybe that's why I've been so depressed today. I couldn't place it. I can't even remember last year...I guess that's for the best. Of course..this damn song doesn't help either.

Good news though. A friend of mine from Canada (Jamie) might be coming to see me in a few months. Something to look forward to. He calls me everyday..it's so sweet. We talk for hours.

I finally contacted Kevin. He had moved so he didn't get my card, but he signed on AIM a few mights ago. He's the same..still a starving artist. It felt good talking to him again. I'll have to get off my lazy butt and go see him sometime.

Woohoo..I'm losing weight. It's nice to actually feel pretty again. Mother dyed my hair on New Years. It's bright red/orange. It looks great..I love it.

Luke keeps sending me all these songs from bands I've never heard of. It's awesome.

So I guess I have a few things to be happy about.

I really don't feel the need to write in this journal much anymore. And I'm sorry I don't comment much. Everyone here knows how to contact me if need be.

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